


Things the staff of the Magnus Institute are not allowed to do anymore

by sweetvillain



Series: The Magnus Memos [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Lists, Nobody is Dead, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25357966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetvillain/pseuds/sweetvillain
Summary: Things the archival staff are not allowed to do and it beggars belief that they keep happening with such frequency that this now needs to be circulated as an interdepartmental memo.A list compiled by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
Series: The Magnus Memos [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876627
Comments: 28
Kudos: 169





	Things the staff of the Magnus Institute are not allowed to do anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Skippy's List, or "Things You Are Not Allowed To Do" is one of my favourite comedy tropes. I have no other excuse, and this should be written by someone funnier than me (and it probably has been).

## Things the archival staff are not allowed to do and it beggars belief that they keep happening with such frequency that this now needs to be circulated as an interdepartmental memo.

### A list compiled by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

  * Do not refer to the Beholding as 'the great googly moogly', 'The Eye of Sauron' or any of the countless eye puns which have been circulating the office. 'Tim started it' is not a valid excuse.
  * Do not bring a Twister mat to office parties. It's just embarrassing and unprofessional and no one wants a repeat of that incident where someone thought it a good idea to ask Michael to join in.
  * Speaking of which, try not to interact with the Distortion at all. Four library staff are still in hospital after the Edward Scissorhands movie night.
  * Do not put fake spiders in the Archivist's desk drawer.
  * Do not put _real_ spiders in the Archivist's desk drawer.
  * Actually, you know what, just don't bring anything remotely spider-shaped on the premises (that includes links to YouTube videos of those fuzzy dancing ones, Martin, even if they have cute little Photoshopped hats on).
  * Artifact storage is not 'free real estate'.
  * Artifact storage is not 'where the magic happens', nor is any other location in or around the Institute, with the possible exception of Elias's office because we can't really make him stop saying that.
  * Artifact storage is not meant to house the mangy old Furby you found in your attic, even if everyone agrees it is quite creepy.
  * Injuries incurred by interrupting Daisy while she's listening to The Archers are no longer covered by the Institute's health insurance policy, anyone who has not learned their lesson by now is on their own.
  * Despite the persistent rumours, there is no digital Leitner containing forbidden knowledge of 'the dankest of memes'.
  * Do not print out creepypastas or weird Tumblr text posts and attempt to pass them to the Archivist as statements. He will Know. And you won't like him when he's hangry.
  * Kindly stop telling new interns that Pennywise the Clown is a real manifestation of the Stranger. The research team has double checked and they're quite sure. Reasonably sure. Either way he is not lurking in the tunnels under the Institute - you are free to verify that for yourself provided you sign all the standard waivers first.
  * Team building exercises are strictly forbidden until all department heads have sufficiently proven their capability to check trust fall coaches' names against the updated list of Simon Fairchild's known aliases.
  * You may not adopt a tape recorder even if it followed you home. (They are not making puppy eyes at you, Martin, that is just ridiculous, they're practically the only thing in this bloody place that _can't_ incessantly stare at you.)
  * The coffin of the Buried is not a suitable place to dump unwanted paperwork, recycling, or coworkers. You will be required to retrieve them personally.
  * The yellow door in the third floor breakroom does exist and leads to a cleaning cupboard, but is best avoided in case Helen decides she wants some Jaffa cakes again.
  * Real vampires are not deterred by crucifixes or holy water. Neither is the Archivist, but he does like to cook pasta on occasion so feel free to leave any extra knots of garlic on his desk.
  * The Archivist is not 'magic Google' and is not to be ambushed with questions about the existence of cryptids, aliens or conspiracy theories. Depending on the severity of the migraine this causes your punishment may, in addition to docked pay, include up to three weeks of psychic reverse rickrolling. If you think constant overwhelming knowledge of everything Rick Astley is doing in real time isn't too bad a price to pay, just ask Marjorie in accounting. When she has stopped screaming.



**Author's Note:**

> These lists basically have no end point so I'm just going to leave this here. I would love to read yours if you make one of your own!


End file.
